First off I'd like to ask, why is it that I care if God uses me or not? Why is it that I care what God wants in the first place?
I often find myself wondering, and even being jealous, of other people whom God uses for his service. Here are the thoughts that would be running through my mind:
"Look at that guy. Everything that he's doing seems to be a success. He's so confident that God is the one telling him to do such and such. Man, do I wish to have the same confidence that he has. Why don't I feel that confidence? Is it because I'm a sinner? Is it because, I don't pray enough or pray for the wrong things? Is it that I find pleasure in doing what I'm doing? Do I have to hate what I'm doing in order for what I do to be what God wants? Does God not want me to enjoy the work I do? Am I doing whatever I'm doing for my own glory, or for God's glory? If I'm doing it for God's glory, should I enjoy what I'm doing?"
I find myself getting into a vicious circle. If I had to analyze my thought process I find the following repetitive line of reasoning:
Does God want me to do what I'm doing? -> If so, how can I be sure? -> Am I doing this for myself or for God? -> But I like to enjoy what I'm doing. If I enjoy what I'm doing, do I do it then for my glory or for God's? -> Does God want me to do what I'm doing?
This circle has to break some where, or else I will not be able to get any service done, or at worst lose hope that I can ever please God.
But I still need to go back to the first question I asked, why is it important for me to please God? I have to be honest, I don't have a good answer, except to say that it just the way it is. Why do we as children need to please our parents? Why do we as adults want to please people whom we perceive as authority figures? Even if we're anarchist, we still need to please someone; most probably the person we look up to. I'm sure there will be some who object to this, but I think in general it is true that we seek to please someone, even if it ends up being ourselves; we're the authors of our own destiny, sort of thing.
So I think the need to please our creator is a natural feeling. We derive a sense of pleasure and fulfilment when we please God; when we truly feel that we have made him happy. If we look at the Bible and the history of the church, we will find that all these great human beings who lived across the centuries sought to please God. Why should I be any different?
Alright, so now moving on to the next question, how do I break the vicious circle I'm in? There has to be a fact that I'm missing. And I think this fact is the underlying assumption that God is waiting for me to do something to please him. I'm starting to think, although not with absolute certainty, that God is not particularly pleased because I do some great work, or accomplish something phenomenal. "Known to God are all His works from the beginning of the world". It just doesn't seem that God will be surprised or impressed by something. He created everything anyway, so what can impress him?
Not only that, but let's face it, I'm not that stable. Sometimes I feel great and I do good stuff, and others I'm down and do horrible stuff. If God only looks at what I do, then sometimes he'll be happy with me and others he won't. But I think God looks at the heart. "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that comes to God must believe the he is and that he is the rewarder of them that diligently seek him". And who comes to God except those who love him. So faith stems from the heart and faith without love is not something to be accounted for.
To break the vicious circle then, it seems that the first step is to strive to give God my heart. Only then will my actions please him, because everything I do will stem from my love for him; whether be it small or great. "Thou shalt love the Lord your God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with thy strength and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself."
Loving God can be the simplest thing in the world, or it can be the most difficult thing in the world. It's simple if we can know God for who He truly is. If we see how much he has loved us, we won't be able to help but love him back. But in order to do that we need to free ourselves from the bondage of this world; from our reliance on the material things; from the love of sin. And the funny thing is, we can't do that without his help. Pope Shenouda, once said something that stuck with me, when we pray to God, we have to ask him to come and take the love of sin from our hearts. I'm unable to do this myself. You, God, need to do it for me.
It's true what St. Paul said: "For in Him we live, and move and have our being."